ONE WORD TINA - AMEN
"I hate when someone says "I just knew" or "He's The One". WHY? If you can't articulate an answer, I'm pretty sure it's because none exists. What happens if in 5 years you meet someone and feel a greater connection or you realize you were wrong and this new guy is obviously The One (which is another concept I'm not impressed with)."one word Tina "AMEN"
I want to kiss and hug you right now b/c I have repeatedly said that to people and yes most of them have gotten upset with me then realised later on that I was right. Everyone wants someone good. Every single girl I've ever talked to wants someone who "loves" them, "loves" kids. But for some reason they just leave it at that. I always point out that there are an endless number of guys that could meet those prereqs. I also realise that the level of maturity determines people's choices too. I mean most teenagers dream about dating the guy who is "cool", who’s fun, who everyone wants to be with which is fine at that age. BUT it is sad when someone gets older and they still don’t understand what is good and what they need. Overtime females should start to realise that they actually need someone whose life will mesh with theirs, their goals, what they consider important in life. As Kristin mentioned everyone wants something different, not everyone wants someone with a career etc etc. The point is that the two of you agree on where you’re headed!! However, evolutionary speaking you want to be with a mate who will increase your chances of survival and help you provide for the kids (and who hopefully will stick around long enough to help you raise them), no matter how he does it * (hoping its legal haha). Another point I want to bring up is that most women out there know there is better but they fear that if they let go what’s presented to them they will end up alone boo hoo so might as well go for the bloke who is showing me love even tho we don’t really know where we’re going or what we’re doing. There are a lot of reasons people jump into relationships for no apparent reasons and thats NEVER GOOD. Especially if they can only come up with "I felt attracted to them". I dont know how physical attraction without anything else will get them through 20, 30 or 40 years of marriage. If only we knew we deserved and could get better than the first guy who just happens to be there when we are feeling lonely and who shows us attention and "love", we would avoid a lot of heartache. I mean I always used to say technically there are so many guys I could have dated for years, sweet, smart loving guys (because I mean it has to be someone I can at least have intellectual convos with otherwise shoot me) – hell I could have been happily married to one of them. Statistically speaking so many of us could have ended up with someone different had the circumstances being different why? Because it all depends on what we thought at the time was a “good relationship”… or if we were “wanting to get with a guy asap” or whatever motivation we might have had. Most people give more thoughts to the new car they are looking to buy than to the man they are thinking about marrying because I mean “he looooves me” he’s such a sweetheart! Arghhhhh…. Moving on…….
I also believe that movies, TV shows, songs and pretty much anything out there is meant to make us feel like "love" is all that matters-this “love” of course is usually portrayed as pure physical attraction - I mean do you ever wonder about all those romantic movies, where they always start off protraying the current girlfriend as being anti-social and weird. And the “new” chick is cool, fun and understands the guy SO WELL even though they have just met. And man the connection that they have is priceless and he kisses the new chick and somehow whatever relationship that he had with his girlfriend (and usually fiancé because at that point they are about to get married) just crumbles in a matter of weeks if not days. And the ending is great because finally he’s with the “one”. By the way this started off as a comment on Tina’s blog but it was getting outrageously long since this topic gets to me. So I figured I might as well post!!!
Yeah well that’s (that being all this rubbish about how relationships are supposed to start and what that ‘feeling’ is, how we should be able to dump our fiancé after meeting a girl who’s cute and really gets us!) what we’re feeding our society then yes, we have to deal with the consequences of bad decision making based on emotions and not much else.
And this comes from an emotional person - :)
posted by Suzy @ 11:42 AM
14 Comments:
sur le meme sujet...sort of
You and I have had this conversation many times through the course of our friendship, dating, engagement and well obviously now in our marriage. There is tons to say and I know exactly what you mean.
The mental environment is what truly matters, as Elisabeth quoted you, what's in "the grey cells" are what count. I guess it is the pattern of their thinking (male or female) that shows strongly in this subject. They either continually feed a fear of not finding someone or build fake strength in tests of how much someone likes the "mask" (thanks Diogo) they show that they then build fake strength. Feel they are over the fear..until the next "one" comes along. No one wants others to stop wanting to love and stop being ready to love but really there shouldn't be this yearning to so "give" someone your heart that you focus on THAT so much the thought process dies. I guess I am simply agreeing with you but who cares. lol
Great post right there suzy! I feel the same way. You're right, maturity plays a part. As little girls, we dream of a prince in a white horse that will sweep us off our feet and as we grow up, we realize it's not as simple as that. So many things come into play and there's just so many things to consider that to say you've found THE ONE is just plain absurd.
I think I'm going to go post this on my blog as well. I've got so much to say!! haha!
Thanks A LOT Suzy,
I'm now working on a 30 page dissertation on "The One".
For some reason I find the phrases "stupid girl" and "brainless idiot" keep coming up.
AMEN to that Tina!
Hey you... guys do it too. I dated a guy once, who was seeking "Ella" She, the one girl. (from elle in french.) and while we were dating, he was so fixated on forming me into the ella he created in his imagination, he never got to know me. the other problem I dont' think either of you have brought up is another danger with the search for The One, the ridiculous ideals people come up with. she's tall, thin, wants lots of babies, wants to work but likes to cook and take care of the home, has a rabid sex drive, agrees with all his political beliefs, sees the world the exact same way and never contradicts him or makes him uncomfortable in any way. she never challenges him. but they don't realize that first off, that person does not exist - that's perfection, and second, if they did you probably wouldn't love them because you'd be so bored. life needs growth, therefore why would you want a partner who asks nothing of you? and what's there to discuss if the world views are identical? anyway without being too specific, what I wanted to bring up was the ideal perfect mate myth. like I mean, that guy missed out on being with ME! how tragic is That?
Good point Kristin each time I wrote "she" I was thinking "he" too but I just didn't want to complicate things by having to speak for guys and gurls. ITs easier to talk about gurls because my feminism instincts are so strong but yeah guys can get worse the one that makes me laugh is when they've fooled around their entire lives and they are looking for the "virgin" to marry and they say that gurls who did what they did are not serious. Then I tell them "Well how does that make any sense, you didn't respect gurls before and you're looking for someone to respect you based on the fact that you're a man and being a whore is fine" arghhhhh.
Plus people do miss out on a lot by trying to find "perfection" - I blame it on maturity too because I usually hear those arguments from people who have never tried to really THINK- Good thing is its natural selection, I wouldn't want a guy like that to be with my Kristin.
dude, do you know my ex??? that guy was a fiend... totally no doubt there was a madonna/whore complex issue thing going on.
praise god, I dont miss him one bit.
Is it just me; or are we all preaching to the choir?
LOL! Hmmm... calling all guys out there... anything on yor minds? LOL
Good point Kristin, most people make the mistake of putting their partners on a pedestal. They're so fixated on molding their partners into someone they want rather than accepting the person for who he/she really is and when they get disappointed they either blame their partner or rationalize it by saying they simply haven't met 'the one'. sad....
you're also right to say that if you got everything you wanted, it would be boring.. no more pleasant surprises and everything would be predictable. i think it's better to have a partner that complements you.. kinda like having a person who eats the vegetables you hate on your plate because he/she likes it...hehe! Some new things I've learned with my current relationship - i like that he doesn't always give into the things I want. It kinda challenges me. haha!
Well as a guy I must point out that I did respond!! Up there! First lol.. but I guess I am part of the choir too on this one..
you don't count steve! you're one of the gals... haha! just kidding!
I guess it's about time I weighed in on this and injected some testosterone up in here.
I've been on the recieving end of this discussion before. I've rejected it, embrassed it and then became indifferent. Consider it a augmented version of sj's "nation of 2"
Think of its as the parable of the sower and the seed. Sometimes the "ground" isn't ready, through past experience, fear, whatever. Maybe the fertility is choked out by agressive friends and miserable comforters and that love or relationship you're trying to nurture gets stolen away. A million different variables, but only when you yourself make the comitment to expose yourself and allow those feelings to be cultivated in cooperation with your partner can you really reap the full benefits of any relationship.
So its part personal responsability part yielding a certain level of yourself to the other which requires alot of trust. So rather than discribing it as a disparity between mature/immature lets look at it in terms of desire and preperation. What is it that you want, with no judgments made towards those choices, and are you prepared to open yourself up and share that with someone else?
Those are my prelim findings on the subject...
Thing is most people dont know what they want. I honestly didn't know what I wanted till very recently. It looks and sounds easy but it takes a while to get to really know oneself.
I see the problem in using the mature/immature tags but will still use them to say this: there is a certain maturity in being able to know yourself.. not fully.. but in the different masks worn when discussing relationships.. like El said desire v. preparation. Some have the desire to find The One but aren't prepared to accept anyone regardless of if they are the one. Why? They only focus on the search's end result and the quickest way to get there as discussed
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